Safety feels like staying home
In light of recent events in Calgary I have so many feelings of fear and sadness.
I woke up this morning with a heavy heart because of sad news in the form of an article that updated us the Amber alert for a 5 year old girl had been called off. Her body was found. All hope was lost and fear replaced it. I have 2 children. How do I protect them from everything?
For me sometimes staying home feels like safety. Nothing could harm us if I never leave. I feel so trapped at times by the fear of the world that all I can do is sit and think. Think about going out, would someone look at us in a negative way? Will my family be in danger of attacks when we go on vacation? The fear is real. I memorize my children’s features. I take pictures of what they are wearing before they go to the baby sitters. I never put away my shopping cart without my kids. This is the reality.
I don’t want the world to be like this. When I grew up I played in the street because everyone knew our family. I walked to the park and played for hours without and adult around. I was young when I went on the city bus alone.
Now I can’t do that. I can’t put our kids in the car and pay for gas without the fear and the fear of judgement from others. I need to protect my family.
I also need to live. I need to go out. I need socialization. The fear keeps me from my needs sometimes, but there are days that I can conquer the fear and leave my place of deemed safety. I can let my kids play and live. I do believe there are good people just like me, seeking for light and goodness. There are a lot of people like me trying to keep all children safe. People like me who just want to be happy and loved and safe.
There are so many people like me who would do anything to help someone. I am so grateful that there are those people because heaven knows I need them.