One small moment, one big consequence

When I was 6 months pregnant with my littlest love (my preemie baby) one moment changed me. Even to this day I am not the same.
As a family we love going places together. We even love the driving and just enjoying our time together. This fall morning was no different. We had an ultrasound appointment to find out the sex of this baby.
We kind of of thought it would be a boy, so before the ultrasound we were all ready and even had a name picked out. We were more excited just to see our baby’s face and know (boy or girl) that he or she was doing good and growing well.
On our way to the appointment, the baby was active and so was our little 1 ½ year-old. The sun was bright, the roads were perfect, and we were happy.
Then it hit us. Literally. A car had hit us!
We were waiting for our turn at the yield sign and a person (who we suspect was texting) rear-ended us. I immediately looked back at my toddler to be sure she was alright. Her face was shock and a bit of fear. My heart felt broken for her. I could feel my own anxiety as I remembered I was pregnant.
What should I do? How was this going to affect the baby? My husband was getting the necessary information for the police report and I was left in the car with my own thoughts.
I was in shock and all I could think was what about my baby? What about the ultrasound appointment?
I called the ultrasound technicians and they said if I could make it within 30 minutes I would still be able to keep my appointment. Our car was still drivable so we tried to hurry on our way. We were 35 min late and they turned us away.
Can you believe that?!? I was so angry that they couldn’t just check on the 
baby. I was just in a car accident! They recommended we go to the hospital. We knew from other experiences that the hospital would make this day even longer with the wait and anything else they needed to do.
As we were heading to the hospital, the shock for our 1 ½ year old wore off and she was having a major anxiety attack over what had just happened. I felt so horrible for her and didn’t know what to do to help.
We arrived at the hospital and they immediately took me away and put me in a neck brace. I laid on my back, by myself, for hours as the rest of my family was being looked at in another area. I didn’t know where they were. I kept asking about my baby, but no one would check.
About 5 hours (or more) of laying there by myself and they finally gave in to my pleading and found the heartbeat. My baby was alive. I was so relieved that I cried and cried.
Now my thoughts turned to other matters like the rest of my family. Were they ok? Did my girl need me? I needed to see them! I needed support and to tell them the baby was ok.
After x-rays and hours of waiting and being checked, my family found me. We were finally cleared to go home with many recommendations for physiotherapy, chiropractor and so many more treatments to help us. I also had an ultrasound and other baby appointments scheduled to be sure she really was ok. At the hospital they could only check for a heartbeat, but for me in the moment that was ok for me.
I felt so bad for my little 1 ½ year-old, this was supposed to be our special time before the new baby. I was not only exhausted and sore but I was depressed and even fearful at times that maybe something else was wrong.
This accident not only changed our plans for the day, but the rest of my pregnancy was full of pain and appointments. The therapy I received was only helpful for a day or two at most and could not last because of how easy they had to go on me while I was pregnant. I would only be able to make it a few days without crumbling and needing a day of rest. It was not healing, it was simply maintaining.
Now, a year and half later, I still am in pain. The depression still comes once in a while and I feel hopeless for a full recovery. I had a team of therapists that helped me, but it does become overwhelming at times. I don’t have a fear of driving, but I do have a fear for being pregnant again. Not only because of the car accident, but because of the condition it caused me to have. When/if I become pregnant again I will have major pain again because I was pregnant during this accident. I am so tired of pain and all that comes with it that I don’t know what I will do yet.
I love my family and am so happy everything worked out for us. We support each other through all of our challenges. No matter how long this will last (or if I ever get better) I know above all, I have my support team (my family) and that means everything to me. Family is what matters.
Now I have a bit more understanding….Acceptance: All that I have right now

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